I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
