I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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