its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
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I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
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his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss