Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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