So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
