I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
