Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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