im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
