I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
