Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
