I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
