I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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