The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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