I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
