She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
