I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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