I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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