You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
