on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
