They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My penis needs a shock collar
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
