we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
