All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
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$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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