My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
