You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
