I accidentally had phone sex last night
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
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He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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