Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
