i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
