my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
