I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
