dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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