wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
