I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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