am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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