i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
