I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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