Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
