she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
