She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
