i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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