Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
