he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
