I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
