They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
