Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
