TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
