I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
