So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
