i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
