It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
