my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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