dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
