A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
