somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
