I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
