I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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