these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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