She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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