If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
