dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
