The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
