i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and she was petting her beer can
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
