just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
