He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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