Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
