If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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